BULS learned last week that Daniel O’Doherty, more Thatcherite than maggie herself, had been elected as Chair of Birmingham University Conservative NO Future.  DoD is memorable to BULS readers for his readiness to get stuck into topical debates and we really hope the spirit of cordiality continues between both chairs.

Guise and DoD have already held top-level talks to discuss future co-operative events and some progress will soon be made public.  However, we can exclusively reveal that next year there will indeed be a BUCF Vs BULS football match.  Brigid Jones has been despatched to provide healthy-half-time snacks, and Matt Reeves is in negotiations with Aston Villa, to secure a loan deal for Luke Moore and Olaf Mellberg.

It was the first miserable day in a long time.  For months now, BULS had been planning to unveil its new committee in full sunshine in Mermaid Square, infront of thousands of students.  The event was forced inside, to the dingy basement, in the deepest depths of the Guild of Students.  Tom Guise entered to, less than raptuous applause, to sign the official papers which saw his political career come to its esteemed conclusion, having trod carefully a long path for his entire life, Tom Guise finally became Chair of Birmingham University Labour Students.

The event highlighted many early problems that Guise has experienced, Tom Marley his predecessor was nowhere to be seen, it is rumoured that they no longer exchange cordial discourse.  Guise’s vice-chair had been whisked away to Downing Street for top-level talks with the PM.  The challenge for Guise and his team is ensuring there aren’t early divisions in the committee.  Guise will need his top-aide Brigid Jones, to act as his eyes and ears amongst grassroots members, as well as to perform any tasks that he does not neccessarily want to do. 

“A new era has dawned on BULS” Guise said, to a virtually empty basement, “we will not stand for division, for splits and disloyalty, we will severely punish members who step out of line.”  This reputation and attitude has already earned Guise the nickname, ‘Gung-ho.’

After the election post-mortem, the BULS head office turned to further naval gazing, this time over the monthly performance of the blog.  In Tom Guise’s, first month as chair, the hits plummeted from 5543 to a meagre 5065.  Guise’s aides claimed this was due to their leaders busy month of campaigning, and thus meant he was unable to steer them to further gains. 

The news was greeted by a series of frantic blogs by disgraced former chair, Tom Marley who attempted to re-align himself within the hearts and minds of grassroots members.  To add further poison to Guise’s woes, another former chair, John Ritchie returned for the local elections and has since been blogging as well.  A source close to BULSInside suggested that both Marley and Ritchie were attempting a cous-d’etat, and that it was imminent.  Guise, reportedly entered exile in London and has not been seen in Birmingham since he was spotted roaming Broad Street in the early hours of Friday morning.  His parents have expressed mild-concern, close friends could not be located.

BULS members have blocked the email account in head office with calls for resignations.  One member said “we need to know where we stand, we’ve lost the plot a bit.  We just need to be able to tell people what it means to be BULS again.”  Others were less couteous, demanding Guise’s head and other vital body parts.  It will be hard to envisage how Guise and his aides can turn BULS around but we expect to hear further news on Wednesday afternoon, after Guise leads the new committee in their first meeting since assuming power.

Was there, for the first time from the chair, a recognition that he cannot go on like this and will not now hang on to the bitter end?

His monthly press conference crackled with the anticipation that, this time – unlike so many before it – it really had to deliver.

And deliver it did – in spades if you are of a mind to accept Tom Marley’s nods and winks unquestioningly.

But even for the cynics there was at least enough to think the last two weeks may have shifted the political landscape irrevocably.

In some carefully worded pronouncements Mr Marley, looking far less confrontational than we had been led to believe, delivered something significantly new.

He dropped the defiant old “here to serve a full third semester” stuff, in favour of an entirely different form of words.

And it was all about standing down soon enough to give his successor time to establish himself, or bed himself in.

For the 6th consecutive month the BULS blog has recieved a boost to its viewing figures which analysts are attributing to a Guise-bounce.  A delirious Guise (76) said to reporters in the early hours “I have shown the world what I can do, Marley is toast and I am the butter!”  Commentators have noticed a distinct anti-marley agenda running through the club as Guise positions Labour Students to take on an ambitious political agenda.

Mr. Guise, who has taken the nickname recently, Gung-ho Guise, (after allegations he forced grassroots activists to return to the site every five minutes), will no doubt be pleased to see the figures which indicate a sense of relief amongst the blogosphere that Marley’s tenure is over.  A source close to Marley (54), believed to be his father said, “Guise has being going on about it constantly.  Marley was great for the club and believes substance is more important than popularity.”

Over the coming months it will be interesting to see the relationship between these two giants of the Labour movement, it is yet to be seen if Brigid Jones (30) will emerge as an intermediary between the two, hosting them for dinner to smooth the surface during the Easter vacation.  Jones made headlines last month in the local press after an outrageous drunken incident at Chamon.

BULS ended the month of March having had 5543 visitors to its website.

Astute and regular readers will have noticed a very slight and subtle revamp to their faithful BULS site over the last couple of weeks.  Such loyalists will be pleased to hear that a fellow top-level news website has followed in BULS’ ever-pioneering footsteps.

BULS congratulates the Beeb on their bravery at this new design and hopes to continue a long and frutiful relationship of solid journalism.

Rarely does a normal birthday attract such attention than this one.  BULS’ own Brigid Jones is celebrating her 30th Birthday today.  It’s a big landmark and BULS would like to officially salute their stalwart of feminism.

After a raptuous reception in her native Eastbourne, Jones will return to Selly Oak before embarking on a tour of Birmingham, taking in such sights as Bartley Green, Quinton, Hodge Hill, Tyburn and Ladywood!

Rumours were circulating Guild circles last night that this year’s famous Refreshers Fair will not go as smoothly as planned, after rumours that members of Conservative Future on campus were looking to hijack the now famous speed dating event.

A source close to a senior Conservative Future member has told BULSInside (the new investigative journal of BULS) that Conservative Future members are planning a coup at the Speed Dating Society, with a view to having the event moved to a local old peoples’ home this year.

The revelations come amid a number of blog posts appearing on the Conservative Future blog, appearing to worship various octogenarians to a degree that a number of Guild members have called “just plain sick.”  In a bizarre twist, the CF source allegedly stated “there seems to be no stopping the idea now, it’s just gained that critical momentum.  They were even talking about trying to get Cilla Black in to host it, but weren’t sure if they could get their speaker approval form in on time.”  Cilla (pictured) is a prominent Tory supporter.

BULSInside were unable to contact any members of the CF committee last night, and Cilla’s office was unable to comment.  A senior BULS member said “we have nothing against CF members worshipping whoever they please in their own time.  Indeed, a number of excellent politicians remain very active well into their eighties and some are deserving of praise.  These allegations do appear to put a more sinister spin on what we already saw as a developing problem within CF, however.”

 

Well, chuck, you chose number one, and that’s our Betty and she’s from Windsor! Come out Betty!